My life

Not sure how many people still check xanga, but this is for you people.

In August I will be attending classes at a University here in Dallas as a grad student in a program for a teaching certificate. I will finish December 2009 after I complete my student teaching that fall.

I have decided that I actually like helping middle school age kids learn (I have been working as a tutor this past spring semester). I will actually get my teaching credentials for high school which makes me a little nervous but I have a lot of time to come to grips with that. I really want to teach literature and drama. At least for now.

I'm not sure exactly what I am doing but I think this makes sense. Also, the school district I am hoping to work with will pay for my Masters training if I teach with them for two years. I think that's what I really want.

I still want to move back to California, but I think I will be so much happier if I have a reason to move. If I get a job, or want to go to school out there, I think I could be happy. Right now just isn't the time. I wish it was though.

I am very bored as I have no job, no classes and no money. This makes me frustrated when I know that in about a month I will be a full time student who will also be working about 30 hours a week. Good luck me. I guess I will sleep, read, watch movies, and try not to worry too much about my lack of financial aid.

Hope you are all well, take care.

What's with all the lonely people?

I was listening to music today, and I was thinking about how many songs there are about wanting somebody, or needing somebody or whatever. And that always makes me think, "Why are there so many people connecting to these songs? If there are all these people who need somebody else, shouldn't they all hook up? Then they wouldn't be lonely anymore."

But I think there's a lot more to it then that. It's not about finding anyone, its about finding a, for lack of a better word, soulmate. And when I say soulmate I mean someone with whom you can just be, who you talk to and they understand you, because they know you, and I mean really know you. They've seen you cry, they've seen you curse, they've seen you when you think you're losing your mind.

Everyone needs not just a boyfriend or girlfriend or husband or wife. You can call someone those things and still don't really have someone who connects with you.

You know what we are all really looking for? A best friend who will never leave you.

And I should count myself lucky, cuz I have a handful of people, who I believe will always be there for me no matter what. Still. There is something to having someone in your life that will look into your eyes and say "I'll always be right here by your side. Come what may. We are going to grow old together."

I think thats a lot more rare then I really want to admit to myself. So I thank God for the people in my life. And I still sing along to the sappy love songs, whether I believe they can really happen or not .

My dog is funny. She won't eat unless you sit and watch her. I mean what dog doesn't like to eat? So every night I go outside and put food in her dish and wait for about 10 minutes while she leisurely sniffs, and walks and looks at me until she finally starts eating and even then, she'll stop and look around come over to me and I tell her "EAT!" and point at her food and she looks at me like I'M the crazy one not her.

But, when I am waiting for her to eat I actually get to just sit and think (watching a dog eat, not all that exciting). I'll think about my day at work, or my online class, how I miss my friends, what new relationships are in store for me in this new phase of my life, or sometimes I sit and think how freaking cold it is and how I wish she would hurry up and finish eating.

She really is the sweetest dog in the whole world, not the brightest mind you, but sweet. She loves people so much that she would rather play fetch then eat. She is mostly an outside dog, and if she see's you inside ignoring her she will stand by the glass whimpering and crying like you've broken her heart (even if you just spent the last half hour playing with her and watching her eat. Silly dog)

I was worried when I first moved back to Texas. Things weren't happening fast enough for me. For some odd reason I still don't have the perfect job, the perfect boyfriend and the perfect plan for my life. And I have already been here a whole month. Of course when I really think about it, I know how silly I am that I want everything right now, and that really I need to be patient. I think I am actually in a better place here, not always comparing myself to those around me who have graduated and moved on while I still feel like I am in limbo. I am not in the place my friends are. I am not old yet, I have not ruined my life. I have to keep reminding myself of that and to also remember to be really happy for my friends who have their dream job, or their engagement, or marriage or baby or whatever good things are in their life. My life is just different. And most of the time, I am ok with that.

P.S. I am teaching 4 year olds about theater. Talk about funny

I miss California.

I know I am where I am supposed to be, and for just a few moments I feel right, I feel like this is exactly where I am supposed to be.

But then I have these moments, where I miss my friends so much. They have been my family. We would eat together, sleep under the same roof, carpool, share books and movies.

My heart aches sometimes. But I know that these relationships will last if they are real, even with the distance.

Love you all!

"It's not brave, if you're not scared" - Ben Affleck in Bounce

I know I've used this quote before, yet somehow whenever I think if it, it comforts me.

Part of the reason I think it always helps me, is I think it lets me see that sometimes even when other people look like they have it together, that they are just being brave, and being brave means they are probably doing something that scares them.

I am trying to make it on my own. Or at least make the effort to begin the process of being on my own. It terrifies me. What if I don't make it? What if I can't pay rent? What if I can't get a good job that I love doing?

Sometimes I lay in bed, hiding under my covers and think "Will I make it today? Can I really go out there and change my life and make it on my own?"

A guess a part of me, maybe everybody else has a part too, that just wants to be a kid again. Sleep in, have your mom wake you up and eat cereal while watching cartoons. And when you fall down and cry your parents hug you and say everything is going to be ok, and that they will deal with everything, they are going to take care of you.

Now all that said, I don't what that all the time, not even every day. But when a bill comes and I wonder how I'm going to pay it, or a get in a car accident and I wait by the side of the road for 2 hours waiting, and crying and wondering what I should do, I guess a part of me wants someone to be there who will take care of me.

But I don't. I have to take care of myself. Not to say that family and friends don't help me out, but not in the way it was when you're a kid and you can hide in your room and somehow everything will be taken care of. Now I'm the one that has to deal with things.

That's good right? It means I'm an adult now, making adult decisions. Still, there are always those days when I want to run away and hide in my bed.

P.S. The accident was my fault, and other then maybe a litttle whiplash and a lot of money down the toilet for car repairs, I'm fine.